White People Raising Black Children.....

.....that don't properly take care of the child's hair make me want to scream.  Literally.  It makes me genuinely angry when I am out in public and I see a white family that is raising a black child and the child's hair is a hot mess.  I had this experience again today while shopping with the Hot Little Number at a local jewelers.  A white couple came into the store with a black daughter, probably age 10 or 11. Her hair was nappy, unkempt, uncombed and altogether terrible looking.  A black family with any standard about personal appearance would NEVER allow their child in the street looking the way this young lady looked. Other black people observing such a child within a black family would regard them as trifling in the extreme for taking such poor care of the child's hair.  I assume the white families I see like this love their children and want their children to of course look their best and always present their best face to the world. I also assume that as incredulous as it may seem, they simply don't know what or how to appropriately take care of a black child's hair and quite possibly live within a personal circle devoid of other black families who would be a resource to them in this regard or from which they would get a clue on the issue of hair care.  You have to make that assumption when you see a black child out with their parents and their hair looks that atrocious, because there is no other way to reconcile it. In lieu of a picture of the family I saw, I included in this post a picture of Angeline Jolie out with two of her children (for the record, I think both Zahara and Shiloh's hair look a mess, so Jolie catches a break from me for being an equal opportunity unkempt maternal hair stylist). This pic generated serious discussion at the Love Isn't Enough blog, with some people making the case that we need to get past cultural strictures about black hair care and embrace the natural hair look. To those arguments, I say, I hear where you coming from, but that's a bunch of hooey. Just like you can't roll into a job interview with your pants sagging, you can't roll through the world with your hair a hot mess.  Going natural doesn't mean going uncared for or going unkempt.

It makes me angry at the parents, because I feel like they don't have a good excuse not to know better.  This is especially true where middle class and affluent white parents are concerned.  You see other black people and their children. You can buy a magazine like Ebony or Essence and look at the pictures and see black women and girls with attractively styled hair.  You can investigate how to get your child's hair taken care of appropriately. There are white parents who have done this, so there is just not an excuse to be so neglectful in this area.  In some places, local stylists have taken a proactive approach to this issue and God bless them.  There are resources out there to consult.  White parents who have CHOSEN to raise a black child have no excuse to not be educated on this front.

I have to confess to cowardice in the face of this issue.  Every single time I have encountered such situations, I have wanted to approach the couple in question, broach the issue with them and offer to connect them to a hair stylist who could appropriately care for the child's hair.  I have never done so out of fear of giving offense and because I felt at a complete loss as to how to even begin such a conversation without giving offense.  In every case, I come away feeling the way I do right now, a hour or so after this most recent siting; angry, embarrassed (for myself and on the child's behalf) and that I have failed this black child, that I have left her in an esteem destroying situation because I didn't open my mouth. Particularly for a black female child being raised in a white family and in a predominately white community (this child was from Carmel, In), to be permitted to walk around with her hair unkempt and uncombed is simply not acceptable.  People are judged on their appearance and those judgments have consequences and generate behavioral outcomes. That child is being shaped in part by the responses of the people around her and her hair is an important part of her personal presentation.  Its a woman's crowning glory for Pete's sake.   All of which seemed lost on the parents I saw this evening.

Think I'm out of line? Well, give me your take. Assuming this situation makes you feel the same way, how would you handle it, or if you did handle it, what did you do?   I need a protocol, a way to broach this issue with total strangers in public where my window is probably 120 seconds or less.  Because I just cannot bear to fail another black child growing up in a caring, loving but clueless white family in this way.

Children: God's Custom Gift to Us

Children are a totally customized blessing from God to parents. Think about it: throughout their growing years, your children will a do a million things that will touch your heart, but won't mean anything to other people. Thats why people's eyes glaze over when you tell them how your baby girl cocked her head and looked at you in a knowing way and you were totally blown away. They don't quite get it, because that blessing wasn't made for them. Thats something to shout about right there, the fact that your child (children) are gifts from the very heart of God, that He handcrafted to be a delight only to you, in ways only YOU can understand and appreciate.

On Vacation

If you've been suffering withdrawal, waiting for the next A Political Season post, our apologies. We're ON VACATION. As such, I'm ignoring MJ's passing, Sanford's implosion, Obama's blunders and all other related political stuff for a little R&R among the rolling hills and golf courses of Tennessee. See you later this week.

Tragic Beyond Belief

The death of an entire family at the hands of the father is always a disturbing and sad story and this one in particular was made all the more so for me because its a family that looks like mine. The Lupoe family was found dead a day ago. A suicide note faxed to a local tv station told the tale:

In a letter faxed to Los Angeles television station KABC before his suicide, Ervin Antonio Lupoe blamed his former employer for the deaths, detailing his grievance against Kaiser Permanente's West Los Angeles Medical Center, where he and his wife Ana had worked as technicians.

Lupoe, 40, claimed the couple was being investigated for "misrepresentation of our employment to an outside agency for the benefit to ourselves's [sic], childcare." He said the initial interview was held on December 19, and when he reported for work on December 23, "I was told by my administrator ... that 'You should not even have bothered to come to work today. You should have blown your brains out.'"

According to the news reports, Lupoe and his wife, distraught over the loss of both their jobs, concluded it was better to end their lives and that of their children rather than face going on destitute. I'm sure they were staring into the face of imminent financial ruin with the loss of both their incomes. They had apparently already taken their children out of school no doubt from financial strains.

Some reports indicate that Lupoe called 911 and claimed he returned home to find his family dead. That does not jibe with the suicide note claiming that it was the wife who suggested they would all be better off dead and I find it a bit hard to believe that both parents had an extreme death wish at the same time. So I think on further analysis that this trajedy will turn out to be the standard "family destroyer" scenario, where a man, facing financial ruin, ashamed and humiliated at his failure to take care of his family, kills them and himself.

Whether this story is truly one of two parents in such despair at their finances that they destroyed themselves and their family, or is yet another story of a man made desperate and overwhelmed by his obligations and taking care of his family, its a horrific tragedy. For me, its horror is magnified because his family looks like mine and because I know the taste of his fear, the sick feeling that you are going to fail in your job to take care of your family and that you will lose it all.

Even in my most desperate moments though, I would never think to kill my wife and children as the way out. How sad and dark the world of a person for whom killing his whole family is a better alternative to living.

Even if you would not make this decision, do you feel like you know their fear? Can you understand their desperation, if not their decision?

A Few Palin Points on Family Values

The republicans have decided that identity politics is a game they can play too. Its abundantly clear that any criticism of Palin's record or experience will almost immediately be branded as a sexist attack. Its interesting, since the Right's rap on Obama is that any criticism of him is regarded as racism, but this is now their tactic. I'm listening to cable now and thats the way many critiques are being handled. So this candidate is going to use the charge of sexism as a shield to push her narrative out and beat back competing viewpoints.

Another interesting point here is this idea that Palin's family matters is off limits. Let me be clear, I certainly support the decision of the family not to abort the child. I don't disagree with that, I'm pro-life. However, while it may be bad form for the pundits and press to opine on it, when you selectively highlight your children and parade the young man who knocked up your underage daughter on nationwide television, us voters out here are perfectly entitled to an opinion on how the Palin household is being run and the message the Republicans are sending with her pick.

From around the web, some relevant opinion points:

Booker Rising
This is a strange time to be a Republican. Am I just supposed to be cool with all this? Should I now recalibrate my family values to adjust for this unfortunate mess? Is teen pregnancy now just a sign of 'An American Family?' Is the desire to secede from the United States now a sign of patriotism? What the hell is going on here? First of all, I don’t want to hear from anyone that 'Sarah Palin’s family should be off limits'. This isn’t about Bristol Palin or Trig Palin or Earwax Palin or Mack Truck or whatever the hell the other ones are called. This is about the judgment, the beliefs and the managerial style of the woman who could be President of the United States. I see no reason to be polite. I think Palin’s decision to drag her daughter’s teen pregnancy into the international spotlight is not just ill-considered, it is morally bankrupt." Black Men For McCain

Blue Gal


...an eighteen year old unwed pregnant girl was paraded in front of the entire world in order to buttress her mother's image as a premier spokesperson for the party of family values. It is not misogyny to call that into question.

Mirrror On America
You don't get to ram, shove and cram, 'Family Values' down the throat of America, as if you're on a different moral plain. If you put yourself out as some sort of moral barometer, then you better make sure that you can live up to the front you place before the American people. And, let's make this finally clear. The leftward blogosphere didn't put Bristol Palin out front and center. Her mother did - to divert questions that had been raised - BY REPUBLICAN BLOGGERS IN ALASKA - about her last pregnancy. They came 'clean' because the National Enquirer was onto them.

The Oddness of Parenting

And now, something a little different.....

As a parent, one is of necessity deeply involved (or should be) in the entertainment material which your children consume. This means that I have seen, or in some cases heard (driving the van, kids in back watching movie) many childrens movies again and again. The wacky thing is that you end up having favorite movies and opinions about this media made for kids, which I often end up feeling wacky about, because it just seems perverse. I only take comfort in the fact that other parents probably understand where I'm coming from, whereas those without children largely think you're crazy.

So, a few of what I consider the more memorable picks and pans from the pantheon of children's entertainment I am forced as a father to consume:

The Incredibles:
One of my all time favorites. One of those really good childrens movies that's working marvelously on an adult level and kid level at the same time. They put marital conflict, childrearing challenges, money woes, career and relationship issues along with a dollop of existential debate about mediocrity and achievement into a great looking action flick. A complete winner.

Curious George:
Oh dear God, it was an ordeal to sit through. I owned and read the Curious George books as a child and like most other kids, I was enchanted by them. When the movie came out, I was game to see the big screen adaptation of this wonderful childhood favorite, and I just knew it was going to be special to watch it with my own kids. It was special all right. Especially dull. It was the exact opposite of the Incredibles in effect. It was designed for the kids, period. They enjoyed it, but if you were an adult, sitting through it was deadly boring. The best part about it is the beginning with its opening montage of George and the Jack Johnson soundtrack playing, which perfectly captures George's spirit. After that, it was pure torture. Parents, you are duly warned.


Ratatouille
I took my kids to the drive-in to see this movie, and though I actually enjoyed the movie more or less, I could not help but be creeped out by the film almost throughout the entire movie. I'm sorry, but conceptually, I just got a problem with the idea of rats and food, and this movie is all about a rat that wants to be a chef. The movie intermittently creeped me out everytime they had a scene where the rat star was up in the middle of some food preparation. I was just like, heck no! But I was just really outdone near the end, when the rat has to call on his rat family of hundreds to help him cook the food for the restaurants patrons and they come flooding in their thousands into the kitchen and they are all up in the people's FOOD! I asked my wife about this later. Didn't that bother you? But she thought it was charming. The sweetest, smartest, sexiest clean freak I know. Go figure.


Flushed Away
Charming is a good word for this one. Thoroughly enjoyed it, and there is a little kick in the idea of Hugh Jackman (Wolverine in the X-Men) voicing the character of Roddy, the slightly timid but brave rat hero of the film. Kate Winslet was an excellent Rita. What I enjoyed in particular though was the villain, Toad, voiced by Ian McKellan (a villain in the X-Men, Magneto). In his introductory scene, he has a monologue and then a repartee with Roddy that is hilariously madcap. I laughed so hard I nearly cried (I tell this to people without small children and they laugh....nervously). This one is a lot of fun, with singing slugs , adventure and the droll english sense of humour in the monty python tradition, but funny (isn't it interesting how humour is cultural? Monty Python is a comedic dynasty, but most of it gets not a laugh from me, but the brits find it hilarious while I usually don't get it)

Another thing that comes with parenting territory is noticing odd stuff like the fact that in a large number of the Disney films, they kill off the mother or she is dead and simply not present, and this is a consistent theme in Disney movies for years. Think about it: Bambi, Finding Nemo, Brother Bear, Beauty and the Beast, etc. I don't know whether to consider it sinister or just lack of creativity. But its odd.

Soooo, those are a few of my picks. So what about the rest of you lot? Am I the only parent out here that develops a real interest and opinion about these childrens films? Have you got your favorites too? Or has being a parent simply made me an oddball?

In Praise of My Woman

And now for something a little different

blessed - highly favored or fortunate (as e.g. by divine grace)

Alaine and I married 13 years ago and the word above is what describes my life ever since. Someone once said to me before we were married "Alaine will make an excellent wife, and she'll be a damn good mother to your kids". Truer words have never been spoken, and my only regret is that I am unlikely to ever be the all the husband she deserves.

Alaine is certainly physically beautiful. A glorious smile, an all woman figure, gorgeous skin. She's got all the good stuff on that score. But those are really just the icing on the cake. They are not the things that made me love her. Why do I love her? First and foremost, I love her mind. Alaine is whip smart. Not merely brainy, but perceptive and insightful. She often perceives that which zips right by me. Alaine is a lady, okay? She has great dignity and grace, a sense of style that is her own. She's strong, not to be trifled with. Doing her dirt or disrespecting her can put you on the endangered species list. Alaine is thoughtful, truly thoughtful. She writes notes and does special things for people all the time, naturally, because its just who she is. She has great integrity and is at times my moral compass when I lose my way. She is a wonderful mother. In this regard I cannot say enough. She exemplifies motherhood. In every way. My children are glorious little human beings and you only have to look at their mother to see why.

Lastly, like God, despite all my many flaws and truly gaping imperfections, she loves me.

And thats why I am called blessed.